Stages
I have gone through several emotional stages this morning. And I haven’t even finished my breakfast yet.
Stage 1 – Sick to my stomach
My stomach and I were not getting along particularly well this morning. It slowed me down. A lot. I left the house a half hour later than normal, and decided to drive in rather than make a desperate search for parking in Malden where there would be none.
Stage 2 – Hungry
My stomach finally settled by the time I got into the city, so I knew I should get some breakfast.
Stage 3 – Annoyed
The sign on the door to Au Bon Pain said “Sorry – Cash Only Today Please.” I realized that I had no cash, or at least very little, so I went across the street to the ATM. It misbehaved a bunch, and then crashed. “Temporarily out of service.” Great.
I looked in my wallet and found three dollars. Enough for a danish and a banana, and thankfully, my office supplies beverages.
Stage 4 – Chipper
I talked briefly with our security man. He’s a nice guy. I whistled as I rode up the elevator.
Stage 5 – Devastated
I received a personal email that I took as an affront on my being. It’s very hard to explain, especially to someone who doesn’t understand what it means to be a part of something. Those that would understand already do. Because they feel it too. The email was an affront to the souls of me and my girls. But the sender couldn’t possibly understand what she’d done.
Stage 6 – Dying
Once I processed everything that email meant, I realized that the feeling going on in my stomach was not the return of my earlier upset stomach. It was my heart and soul dying. I was dying inside. And sobbing at my desk, which is never a good thing to do.
Stage 7 – Motivated
I have a bad habit of writing angry emails. I’ve learned that I should remove the “To:” field before writing such emails. So, I started my reply, not to be immediately sent.
Stage 8 – Devastated revisited
As I wrote, the emotion poured forth. I was sobbing and heaving. But I was at work, so I had to keep it down so as not to be noticed. I wrote and rewrote. I might even say I wrought.
Stage 9 – Validation
I distributed the email to several interested parties and found that they were all in agreement. We were all sobbing and angry. Lucky for me, I hadn’t read it last night, because many of my girls did not sleep after reading the email. I felt ready to send the email. But then it hit me…
Stage 10 – Rational
I realized I should let someone try to talk me out of it. So I sent it to one completely dissociated party and to two of my girls who had always helped me reign in my outbursts before. They helped me realize that the best thing to do would not be to advertise my email to the masses, but just send it to the instigators of the situation. But they did agree that staying quiet was not an option.
Stage 11 – Fury
After some rational thought, and even a laugh evoked by a joke involving giggling school girls, I tried to settle down. But I couldn’t. It was still flowing through me. My muscles, already tired from last nights awesome workout, tensed. My eyes shot lasers at girls I couldn’t see. And then, I read the words of others fury.
Stage 12 – Worry
Suddenly it occurred to me that too much would fall on deaf ears. If so many others sent their responses, my well though and carefully worded emotional response would get lost in the shuffle. I had to send it. I couldn’t send it. I had to send it. I couldn’t send it.
Stage 13 – Resolute
I sent it.
Stage 14 – Seething
The anger and sadness and confusion and bitterness and depression all filled me. It pushed through every fiber. I could feel the dying tendencies coming back to me. I couldn’t concentrate on work.
So I wrote this.
Stage 15 – Sad
And I’m starting to feel better.
But by no means do I feel good.
Certainly sounds like whatever you’re going through sucks big time. Keep you head up.
Thanks Al.
Hey, hugs. I don’t know the particulars, but I do know the feeling. :(
Hiya Heather!
Yeah… the feeling sucks. Sometimes, though, you just have to go through everything to reach an end.
I’m starting to reach stage 16, and I hate it. Stage 16, of course, is acceptance. I’m fighting it, obviously. Acceptance means the end.
Saw it over on Treyvana’s blog. Very very very very very stupid of them.
*hugs*
I still have my original signed CD.
Bastards, I’ll never buy one from them again.
Wow, Joe. You are the first fan (rather than former member) that I’ve heard such a reaction from. Of course, you’re more likely reacting to our reaction. Nothing wrong with that. I love my girls too, and I don’t like seeing them hurt either.
I’m pretty sure I have slipped into stage 16, with an edge of stage 17 (questioning the future). Suddenly we don’t know what to do.
Does it count that I used to date one of y’all? I may be even more slightly biased ’cause of it. Not that I mind.
Yeah, i loved I-8 and all of you who loved it had a connection. It feels like one more thing that died in WPI. I won’t be looking for the new group’s stuff when I go back now. I had been planning on checking out the new I-8 cds everytime I went back. No I-8 no I-8 cds.
I’m sorry you all lost something important that you belonged to and made you feel at home together and that has been killed.
We’re trying to deal with it in a less “dead” manner, but… it feels like it is dead and gone.
Sometimes, though, you just have to let it go…
I just found out today. I don’t know what to say, or how to say it. I’m a bit numb right now. I have been a fan of I-8 for years. I would always say that you were all “my” I-8 girls. It was always great seeing the new girls every year because they were a connection to some of great people I was friends with at WPI. Jillian, Heather, Diane, Sara, Malia, Tara, Terry, Julie, and so many more that I know I’m leaving off this list.
The question that rings through my head is “Why”. I just don’t understand. I know things change and I know time passes but I don’t understand this.
I just wanted to let you know that another fan is feeling the same way that you girls are feeling. The Technicords just won’t be the same as I-8.
We recently got an email that was promised to be an explaination. I can assure you, TC, that it was no explaination. All it did was confirm that the new girls (all of them, not just those in charge as we originally thought) purposefully and directly avoided talking to any alumnae because they didn’t want to cause a stir.
Totally the opposite happened. Had they talked to us first, we would have been angry, but likely to come around to support them. We’re reasonable people once we finish getting our emotions through.
Now, here we are encouraging them to disband I8 rather than change the name. No, that’s not really what happened. They brought up disbanding the group first. They purposefully and actively severed themselves from their past – from us. I’m deeply hurt and severely disappointed – both in the fact that it’s gone and in those girls that couldn’t bear the “agony” of talking to us before making a public announcement. What did they think we’d do? We don’t have any power anyway. It just would have been the right thing to do. And knowing now that they avoided us, not just didn’t think of talking to us (a much easier pill to swallow, I promise you), it makes it sting all the more.
And you know they will ride the coat tails of I8 whenever it suits their needs.
I’m a little bit bitter this morning.
I’m sorry that the explanation was nothing that actually explained things. From what I’ve heard about the Baker’s Dozen to SHM transition that alumni were actively sought out and talked to about the transition which is why Baker’s Dozen alumni still fondly recall Baker’s Dozen and heavily support SHM. I suppose it also helps that it was a genre change from more chamber sound to more pop a cappella sound.
I posted my feelings on the whole thing over on my blog to be able to get out what my thoughts were on the whole thing. In the end I hope you can take comfort that you and all of those in I8 gave a lot of happiness to a lot of people and that nothing that is done from this point on can change that. I8 has its place in WPI history and regardless of whatever anyone does or what groups continue, they will have to acknowledge that I8 was what came before.
*hugs* to all my girls.