Disappointment
Before I start, I just want to state that being sick sucks. I’ve been coughing, sneezing, sniffling, and not sleeping for more than five days now, and I’d like for that to be over please and thank you.
Okay, moving on.
It came on Saturday, but I didn’t check my email until Sunday. There it was, the email from the a cappella group I’d auditioned for, telling me no.
It didn’t actually say “no” anywhere in it, to be truthful. It actually said, among other things, “thank you for auditioning.” Quite polite, really. Just like the audition itself. But it doesn’t matter what the email actually said. My head only heard. “no.” Not an emphatic “No!,” or an angry “NO!!!,” or even a disappointed “no…,” just a simply stated, “no.”
I read the email during half time of the Patriots game (which we will not discuss). Mike’s sister Kate was over, as she is most Sundays. I tried to remain calm, tell myself, “It doesn’t matter; I’ll just try again.” Then I noticed that my cheeks were wet.
I was (and still am) disappointed, but in more than one way. Part of me is disappointed that I didn’t get called back, and the other part is disappointed that I couldn’t handle it. I thought I’d grown up enough to be able to handle this. I thought I could just take a breath, and wait for my next opportunity, but apparently not.
I didn’t have a nervous breakdown, so I guess that’s great. I did babble for a bit, but Mike hugged me and helped me calm down. Nothing a couple tissues can’t help.
Rejection sucks. I don’t know how professional actors and professional musicians handle it. They don’t audition twice a year; they audition at every possible opportunity. They’re turned down twenty times more than I’ve auditioned for theatre and music combined.
I had a choice. I have always been good at math and science and at music and theatre. I could have gone to a less technically-devoted school and focused more on the artistic half of my brain. But I knew two things about myself. I like material things (you know, the kind you buy with money, that stuff that only a few artists ever really have), and I don’t deal well with rejection. I chose to apply to alphabet soup (doesn’t it seem like every tech school just goes by its initials?). Is that selfish? Hell yes. Is that a pathetic cop-out? Well, obviously. But it is the decision I made.
So here I am now: disappointed, but able to live a good life. I should be thankful for the decisions I’ve made. I should take these less important rejections and stuff them into a closet. Hey, what’s with the “should?” I will be thankful. So there. Hah!
And, in case you’re worrying about me, don’t. I’m mostly over it. And I will be completely over it soon. And I will audition again. And when I’m rejected again, I will like it! So there!
Back to current events.
My head is stuffed, my throat is sore, I slept maybe 4 hours last night, but I feel significantly better than yesterday, so I came into work. The guilty feeling I get when I’m home sick is retarded. I’m rather lucky. My company is pretty awesome, they encourage you to take a sick day; they don’t punish you for being sick. But I still feel guilty while I lay half awake on the sofa watching the Food Network all day…
By the way, yesterday was tailgate day on the food network. Or maybe it’s tailgate week. I don’t know, I don’t usually watch any more than just Good Eats. In any case, I would just like to state my disappointment in the way most of the chefs did tailgating. Rachel Ray made sandwiches which she toted in a Tupperware, and that was better than most. At least she made something tote-able. That southern lady had stuff that was completely dependant on ovens and stovetops (rather than grills) and she made much of it on immobile platters. The Italian lady made, get this, puff pastry. Michael… somethingorother from Easy Entertaining was the only one who showed an actual grill. But his guacamole had basil and olive oil in it, his chips were made of semolina, his sausages were wrapped on sticks, and his chili had chocolate in it. Chocolate! Gross.
Maybe it wasn’t all that bad. Maybe I was in a cold-induced haze. For that matter, I don’t really remember every show I watched yesterday… I had the food network on from like 11 AM on. And there were some things that definitely didn’t follow the theme du jour, like fish ‘n’ chips on Food 911.
Whatever.
I’m not making much sense anymore am I.
I guess I’d better stop writing now.